Well it has been awhile

Well it has been quite awhile since I have blogged. I guess because I don't have much to complain about lol. I look back at my blogs from before and see nothing but one negative individual. Hey can't help it I was abusing everything that got me a buzz. Well summer is almost here and I'm back on the clean track, lost some friends but they can go fuck themselve they were just kids I got high with. and now I am working on getting someone I have been interested in for quite some time.
I was reading Memoirs of a geisha since I now have several geisha tattoos I figured why not learn about the women I have been getting scarred for. I have loved this saying she says through out the book about having to much water in her personality. I can relate to that, oh man oh man I can.

A New Beginging

Well I messed up a bit this weekend. I thought I was doing good controlling my liquer situation and unfortunately I am incapable. I did not do anything stupid other than DRIVE and holy shit if I were to have got caught I would be so so so fucked right now. Than on top of that I ended up consuming some paink killers which i should not have because I recently just have kicked them. I spent the next two days in depression.
But none of this was intentional and luckily the bastard who is watching over me turned a blind side. I am no longer stepping there. I don't care if I'm bored and if I do there will be a Korean women band waiting for me. But I have also met up with my soon to be family and had a great time yesterday. You know somethings don't work out, some people call me stupid for venturing down this path I'm going to take but you know what? I'm fucking happy. I felt good around them. I don't have to be high or drunk but just be sober and shoot the shit. I hope and man do I really hope what is going to happen is true and there is no facade.
I have grew up with all kinds of people and lived many lives. I met more dirtbags then actual good people. How this situation started little sneaky I do admit. But how the ball has started rolling I think I know why it happened and I think the other individual had no idea that I am what you see and if anything I'm better.
I like to believe there is good out there and that there is something special. Why do we always have to "make sure" or "watch out"? Why do we always have to look at people a second way? I know because I have lived a life where this is nescassary and its too dam bad. I have been following "some what" of a path of a Buddha lol. And I know we should not do good and respect something in return. lol this is my pickle lol

Brain Damage

As I begin a new process into recovery and learn into more detail what my old ways have done on me psychologically I begin to realize how much harm I have done. My patterns in choice making and critical thinking are altered to work around a drug abuser and alcoholics tendencies. For example i am extremely impulsive. I never think things through even when it comes to simple things like my job. I see a machine down and I gut it right away then figure out the problem. I never step back and take a moment to think it through.
This is going to be a rough winter. Now with nothing holding me back I have all this time to reflect on the damage I have caused to myself and others. I will need a strong spirit and will to not give into it. If there is anyone else out there who is going through this just believe in it and it will work. Be patient don't let it get to you because it is an every day battle from here on out. There is one thing I am scared of and that is me. To see this everyday I now can understand what Eminem meant when he said he was fighting mirrors.
No one else will fully understand you that is why it is all up to you to take care of it. We can be helped but we truly can not. I've gone through some tough times and fought through some amazingly hard situations but never have i been so weak when it comes to this. I am like a fish at the mercy of a fisherman.
just keep fighting and fighting. I'll be damned if I am going to give into this.

Watch Out For the Fox's Smile >)

So I was approached about how my way of approaching women maybe too friendly and I am not too aggressive. And I think this is true from past experiences but why couldn't I find something good through being kind? Am I soft? At somethings since I have started following Buddhism but other then that - don't take me as soft. I got a long enough record and scars physically and mentally to show otherwise. Let me get this out of the way, there is one thing I want in life is to be happy and I have felt and known the path to take in order to achieve this. But to tell the truth I'm sort of lost what I truelly want to do gets me in trouble and ruins my image (not sure if this is just addiction and my alcoholism talking) but what I do to better this doesn't really make me happy. Its a fucking blunder - I'm either to nice or too much of a fucking maniac.
Hey I got something why the fuck won't you take some more time to find out what hides behind this fox smile?

Great

Well the Cambodian girl that I have been seeing does in fact like me. I couldn't tell from the first two dates. Well the first date I fell asleep while watching Salt (lol) and the second one wasn't really the greatest. But the third time is the charm right? Correct!!! Yeah I can tell that she digs me even though she is still putting on a "show" that she just seems interested I could tell that she LIKES THE KID!!
Sorry I was getting a little big chested there but this girl is awesome so fuckin Aye for me.
I do have to change my ways though. See I am a good person but I have a lot of bad apps. I don't drink anymore or do drugs but I still smoke pot occasionally. I do plan on quiting so this is not too big of a deal. I always wanted to become just plain old good and sober and I know with her it will help me a lot. Its funny how things like this work out. It makes you wonder but I don't want to get all spiritual on this.
But I got one problem - my double life. See no matter how good I am or have become I am still attracted to the bad side of life. I have always liked it and I'm afraid I always will. I have earned respect recently from some people who are some heavy hitters. I was asked to join them which I would love to do. One of my good friends that is already in it did not want me to but I know he is just looking out for me. See even if I don't join I will still be getting down with them. I can never see my friends get hurt and know there was a way I could have helped.
Now with that in knowledge the girl I am seeing does not like that lifestyle at all. She does know I am affiliated but doesn't know that I actually take part in it. I know it is time to grow up but there are some things that can't be explained fully to people who have never lived in this type of environment or are part of it. I'll just have to play it by gut I guess.

Well Things Are Looking Up

Well I met a perfect woman. My friend set it up for me and I was supposed to go down and get my haircut to go talk to her. Well it turned out I could not use a car that day and had to walk to the haircut place. And one thing about me is that I sweat like a pig so by the time I got down there I was drenched and could not stop sweating.
I figured it was done for but she thought I was cute so I came back and asked her out. Well it turns out there is much more behind this pretty face then I had ever expected. One she is super old school but super cool. Two she is completely sober and doesn't like how I used to do drugs and how I have tattoos. But she liked my honesty and luckily my cuteness can out weigh the tattoo problem.
so we got into talking and it turned out she was in a deep relationship (marriage) for ten years and then divorced because her husband cheated on her. Why this clown would ever cheat on this beautiful woman is beyond my comprehension but its not only good looks she has she is also very talented with her voice. She is from Cambodia and she won the equivalent of their American Idol and got five albums out. Pretty crazy - as of right now things are going real slow and I am unsure how this will end up.
I am willing to do anything but it is up to her. I don't have a pretty past and hopefully it will not catch up to be an issue. I hope so much that this will work. Buddha and Jes work with me guys!!!!

Choice

Well I have decided I am going to become a writer. I always wanted to write a book but I could never come up with a story that would be unique and not done before. Over the weekend I came upon one that I think will be a great one to right about. It is going to take a lot of time and some thorough investigation and also being able to play with this character I am writing about but sometimes in life you need to let go of reality's restraints and just push yourself to do this.
I am also doing short letters to obscure famous people. It will be a comedy where I write outragous things and see if the people I write to write back and what they say. I will also post it on my blog and maybe if I get enough letters make a book out of it. This has been done before in different scenarios and themes but I think my twist will be a little more entertaining. Lets see what the future beholds my freinds.
I will say that my first letter was to Chuck Norris. I am very eager for him to write back because my letter (I think at least) was pretty damn funny.