Brain Damage

As I begin a new process into recovery and learn into more detail what my old ways have done on me psychologically I begin to realize how much harm I have done. My patterns in choice making and critical thinking are altered to work around a drug abuser and alcoholics tendencies. For example i am extremely impulsive. I never think things through even when it comes to simple things like my job. I see a machine down and I gut it right away then figure out the problem. I never step back and take a moment to think it through.
This is going to be a rough winter. Now with nothing holding me back I have all this time to reflect on the damage I have caused to myself and others. I will need a strong spirit and will to not give into it. If there is anyone else out there who is going through this just believe in it and it will work. Be patient don't let it get to you because it is an every day battle from here on out. There is one thing I am scared of and that is me. To see this everyday I now can understand what Eminem meant when he said he was fighting mirrors.
No one else will fully understand you that is why it is all up to you to take care of it. We can be helped but we truly can not. I've gone through some tough times and fought through some amazingly hard situations but never have i been so weak when it comes to this. I am like a fish at the mercy of a fisherman.
just keep fighting and fighting. I'll be damned if I am going to give into this.

Watch Out For the Fox's Smile >)

So I was approached about how my way of approaching women maybe too friendly and I am not too aggressive. And I think this is true from past experiences but why couldn't I find something good through being kind? Am I soft? At somethings since I have started following Buddhism but other then that - don't take me as soft. I got a long enough record and scars physically and mentally to show otherwise. Let me get this out of the way, there is one thing I want in life is to be happy and I have felt and known the path to take in order to achieve this. But to tell the truth I'm sort of lost what I truelly want to do gets me in trouble and ruins my image (not sure if this is just addiction and my alcoholism talking) but what I do to better this doesn't really make me happy. Its a fucking blunder - I'm either to nice or too much of a fucking maniac.
Hey I got something why the fuck won't you take some more time to find out what hides behind this fox smile?