Well it has been awhile

Well it has been quite awhile since I have blogged. I guess because I don't have much to complain about lol. I look back at my blogs from before and see nothing but one negative individual. Hey can't help it I was abusing everything that got me a buzz. Well summer is almost here and I'm back on the clean track, lost some friends but they can go fuck themselve they were just kids I got high with. and now I am working on getting someone I have been interested in for quite some time.
I was reading Memoirs of a geisha since I now have several geisha tattoos I figured why not learn about the women I have been getting scarred for. I have loved this saying she says through out the book about having to much water in her personality. I can relate to that, oh man oh man I can.

A New Beginging

Well I messed up a bit this weekend. I thought I was doing good controlling my liquer situation and unfortunately I am incapable. I did not do anything stupid other than DRIVE and holy shit if I were to have got caught I would be so so so fucked right now. Than on top of that I ended up consuming some paink killers which i should not have because I recently just have kicked them. I spent the next two days in depression.
But none of this was intentional and luckily the bastard who is watching over me turned a blind side. I am no longer stepping there. I don't care if I'm bored and if I do there will be a Korean women band waiting for me. But I have also met up with my soon to be family and had a great time yesterday. You know somethings don't work out, some people call me stupid for venturing down this path I'm going to take but you know what? I'm fucking happy. I felt good around them. I don't have to be high or drunk but just be sober and shoot the shit. I hope and man do I really hope what is going to happen is true and there is no facade.
I have grew up with all kinds of people and lived many lives. I met more dirtbags then actual good people. How this situation started little sneaky I do admit. But how the ball has started rolling I think I know why it happened and I think the other individual had no idea that I am what you see and if anything I'm better.
I like to believe there is good out there and that there is something special. Why do we always have to "make sure" or "watch out"? Why do we always have to look at people a second way? I know because I have lived a life where this is nescassary and its too dam bad. I have been following "some what" of a path of a Buddha lol. And I know we should not do good and respect something in return. lol this is my pickle lol

Brain Damage

As I begin a new process into recovery and learn into more detail what my old ways have done on me psychologically I begin to realize how much harm I have done. My patterns in choice making and critical thinking are altered to work around a drug abuser and alcoholics tendencies. For example i am extremely impulsive. I never think things through even when it comes to simple things like my job. I see a machine down and I gut it right away then figure out the problem. I never step back and take a moment to think it through.
This is going to be a rough winter. Now with nothing holding me back I have all this time to reflect on the damage I have caused to myself and others. I will need a strong spirit and will to not give into it. If there is anyone else out there who is going through this just believe in it and it will work. Be patient don't let it get to you because it is an every day battle from here on out. There is one thing I am scared of and that is me. To see this everyday I now can understand what Eminem meant when he said he was fighting mirrors.
No one else will fully understand you that is why it is all up to you to take care of it. We can be helped but we truly can not. I've gone through some tough times and fought through some amazingly hard situations but never have i been so weak when it comes to this. I am like a fish at the mercy of a fisherman.
just keep fighting and fighting. I'll be damned if I am going to give into this.

Watch Out For the Fox's Smile >)

So I was approached about how my way of approaching women maybe too friendly and I am not too aggressive. And I think this is true from past experiences but why couldn't I find something good through being kind? Am I soft? At somethings since I have started following Buddhism but other then that - don't take me as soft. I got a long enough record and scars physically and mentally to show otherwise. Let me get this out of the way, there is one thing I want in life is to be happy and I have felt and known the path to take in order to achieve this. But to tell the truth I'm sort of lost what I truelly want to do gets me in trouble and ruins my image (not sure if this is just addiction and my alcoholism talking) but what I do to better this doesn't really make me happy. Its a fucking blunder - I'm either to nice or too much of a fucking maniac.
Hey I got something why the fuck won't you take some more time to find out what hides behind this fox smile?

Great

Well the Cambodian girl that I have been seeing does in fact like me. I couldn't tell from the first two dates. Well the first date I fell asleep while watching Salt (lol) and the second one wasn't really the greatest. But the third time is the charm right? Correct!!! Yeah I can tell that she digs me even though she is still putting on a "show" that she just seems interested I could tell that she LIKES THE KID!!
Sorry I was getting a little big chested there but this girl is awesome so fuckin Aye for me.
I do have to change my ways though. See I am a good person but I have a lot of bad apps. I don't drink anymore or do drugs but I still smoke pot occasionally. I do plan on quiting so this is not too big of a deal. I always wanted to become just plain old good and sober and I know with her it will help me a lot. Its funny how things like this work out. It makes you wonder but I don't want to get all spiritual on this.
But I got one problem - my double life. See no matter how good I am or have become I am still attracted to the bad side of life. I have always liked it and I'm afraid I always will. I have earned respect recently from some people who are some heavy hitters. I was asked to join them which I would love to do. One of my good friends that is already in it did not want me to but I know he is just looking out for me. See even if I don't join I will still be getting down with them. I can never see my friends get hurt and know there was a way I could have helped.
Now with that in knowledge the girl I am seeing does not like that lifestyle at all. She does know I am affiliated but doesn't know that I actually take part in it. I know it is time to grow up but there are some things that can't be explained fully to people who have never lived in this type of environment or are part of it. I'll just have to play it by gut I guess.

Well Things Are Looking Up

Well I met a perfect woman. My friend set it up for me and I was supposed to go down and get my haircut to go talk to her. Well it turned out I could not use a car that day and had to walk to the haircut place. And one thing about me is that I sweat like a pig so by the time I got down there I was drenched and could not stop sweating.
I figured it was done for but she thought I was cute so I came back and asked her out. Well it turns out there is much more behind this pretty face then I had ever expected. One she is super old school but super cool. Two she is completely sober and doesn't like how I used to do drugs and how I have tattoos. But she liked my honesty and luckily my cuteness can out weigh the tattoo problem.
so we got into talking and it turned out she was in a deep relationship (marriage) for ten years and then divorced because her husband cheated on her. Why this clown would ever cheat on this beautiful woman is beyond my comprehension but its not only good looks she has she is also very talented with her voice. She is from Cambodia and she won the equivalent of their American Idol and got five albums out. Pretty crazy - as of right now things are going real slow and I am unsure how this will end up.
I am willing to do anything but it is up to her. I don't have a pretty past and hopefully it will not catch up to be an issue. I hope so much that this will work. Buddha and Jes work with me guys!!!!

Choice

Well I have decided I am going to become a writer. I always wanted to write a book but I could never come up with a story that would be unique and not done before. Over the weekend I came upon one that I think will be a great one to right about. It is going to take a lot of time and some thorough investigation and also being able to play with this character I am writing about but sometimes in life you need to let go of reality's restraints and just push yourself to do this.
I am also doing short letters to obscure famous people. It will be a comedy where I write outragous things and see if the people I write to write back and what they say. I will also post it on my blog and maybe if I get enough letters make a book out of it. This has been done before in different scenarios and themes but I think my twist will be a little more entertaining. Lets see what the future beholds my freinds.
I will say that my first letter was to Chuck Norris. I am very eager for him to write back because my letter (I think at least) was pretty damn funny.

Vivid

Sometimes it is easy to lose an idea or dream. As time goes on it tends to fade. Sort of like a painting from an artist. When an artist is painting he/she puts so much emotion and dedication into their work, the more they pursue it the better it comes. But as time goes on with out any detail or work done to it, it sits and fades as well as the emotion that was captured in it during its creation.
To pursue a dream and keep it alive you the artist must always keep painting.

Wish Charlie Sheen was my Dad

My man Charlie. This guy is great. He is the what a real man should be. Hard drinker, womanizer, woman beater, hooker customer, rich, famous, and the inability to ever land long durations in jail. This man is absolutely invincible when it comes to the Law. He just shows up to court puts on that infamous Charlie Sheen smile and everyone melts over him. If I had a wife I would purchase his sperm to peregrinate her so I can have a Charlie Sheen I can call my own.

No Cigarettes Yet

Still no cigarettes and it has been 1 1/2 days. I've been chewing on gum like I'm getting payed for it and I've had a couple of "Just take a Drag man" conversations with myself but I think this time I'm going to be able to make it. So far no toxins are entering my body except for coffee. I need my coffee but with how yellow my teeth are that is next on my hit list.

And a Thumbs Up from me As Well

Fuck Hassel, here is a Thumbs Up for you Nick and Mika!!!!! I would have gaven you both two but I had to take this picture myself.

A Big Hassal Thumbs Up To Nick & Mika

Congrats on a healthy baby girl you two.

What To Do Now?

Well my time in hell is almost through. I will have my license back, off of probation, sober, and no restraints keeping me back from anything. How to handle this I have no idea. I've always had something keeping me back and now I do not have a single thing. Just total freedom. Its really weird, kind of like a new born with an experienced mind.
Really I am clueless, so many paths I can go down (all good of course) but which one to pick is the pickle. Can't wait to see myself in five years.

Quiting Cigarettes

I will be quiting cigarettes starting today. I had quit for two years before I started back up last March 2009 because of some serious stressful events that were going on in my life. I really do not like them but it does help out with stress especailly since I am sober of all narcotics now. I didn't buy a pack this morning or brought a lighter with me but I ended up finding a big clinch in my ashtray and used a propane torch to light it. Hopefully this will be the last cigarette today, I have no idea why I had smoked it I was feeling good but hey I'm addicted.

I'm A Closet Lady GaGa Fan

I don't care what anyone thinks it is 2010 and there should be no penalties for me being a Lady GaGa fan. She is dope and very talented. Other then Poker Face which makes my spine spasm every time I hear hit (most likely because it was so played out so much) I enjoy all her other songs. I can even work out to them when it comes on in the gym (hopefully no one has noticed when a GaGa song comes on I go ape-shit on the reps). But the song "Telephone" I think it is called with Beyonce is my shit. Now talking about Beyonce I like a lot of her songs as well. Escpecially Sweet Dreams when she goes all crazy after the chorus. Yep call me a poof all you want this is good music right herr.

AHhhhh Sheeeyet

Alright some things I still don't think through right away. I have been going to the gym for the past three years. My first year was just the beginners stuff getting my body used to actually working out (prior to this I never did a push up on my own). The second year I did all machines because I was a little shy getting to the free weights with all those big gorillas. Now my third year I'm all game. I'm hitting it and I am hitting it right when I first start working out I could only bench 75 pounds now I am throwing up 235 with out any issue. But I have one problem - bad genes when it comes to muscles. I am strong and def a lot bigger but it is a lot harder for me to get definition. I am doing everything right and eating right but I got guys doing less then me and looking like Pitt in Fight Club.
So what I'm getting to is I got some Steroids. I was all game for it at first like fuck yeah I will do some roids. Now that I actually have it I'm probably never going to do it. First off is that you have to inject yourself and inject it right. No hitting veins or arteries or your fucked. Also you can cause some serious abscesses I think they call it that will fuck your whole shit up.
Oh and did I mention that the needle you have to inject yourself with has to be at least 1" to 1.5" long and you have to inject 2ml of this shit into you. Now 1" doesn't seem long when you think about it but put it into a needle form and tell me how you think, also 2ml of juice WTF that is a lot of shit to put in your body.
You also have to go through a post cycle of injections of different stuff to help your body recover from the testosterone it stopped producing since you started injecting hormones into your body that it was not producing (and if you don't do this you will lose all the gain you got from the Juice).
So I'm pretty sure I wasted my money on this. Professionals do tell you though that if you want to get big and ripped its either steroids or being really patient and consistent for a number of years. I'm not promising anything yet but I think I'm going to wait a little longer.

I'm Almost FREEEE YEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm almost off of probation, Thank The GODS!!!!! What a crazy fucking two years my life has been. But you know I have learned a lot and grown up a lot because this is what it took for me to finally see the downward spiral I was rolling down in. I've been in a lot of trouble before - if you were to look at my record you would not believe that this was me. I ran full force into destroying myself and I did not give two high flying fucks. Well now I do.
If you were to ask me why I did the things I had done I really could not answer you. I truly do not know who that was that enjoyed doing those awful things. But time to move on and forget about the past. Time to move forward and especially with the monkey on my back gone and the probation soon done I can't wait to see what the future beholds for me.
Life is like a plant, if you take care of it you can watch it grow big and strong. It will keep growing and spreading as far as the person who takes care of it limits. If you don't care for it you will watch it slowly droop, shrivel, die, and leave no trace of its existence.

A Texture Problem

I have this huge issue with textures when it comes to eating. Since I was a kid I can not and still not eat jello, pudding, yogurt, and grizzle. As soon as one of these touch my tongue I gag. And there is a few funny things about this - I have a lot of Vietnamese friends and I eat over their house a lot. Sometimes they will cook something that has a similar texture of what I can not eat. Most of my friends know and understand but lets say if I'm at a family party or cook out and they pass around something that is hard for me to eat I just bite the bullet and try my best. Nothing worse then putting on a poker face of how much I love it when really I want to throw up in my mouth.
Another funny thing is when I was drinking I would always come around jello shots. Now I know I can't eat jello but the alcoholic in me would always think otherwise and try to swallow a bunch of these. Regardless in how drunk I was I could never down them right and always ended up hurling all over the place.
Just one of many weird things about me.

They Start Young

I have a new obsession with PhotoBombing. For everyone who doesn't know this term it is when a photo is being taken of something particular and something so out of place ruins it. There are some great photobombs out there that always crack me up and put me into a good mood.
Well back to the subject. This photo reminded me of me as a kid. This also reminds me of a photo I came across one day of my uncle flipping the bird when he was very young. It seems you can make out the punks and rebels at a young age. Well I have some news and some helpful insight for all these young rebels out there who are inspiring to grow up as a full fl edge radical.
1. You never win against the man - I have tried so many times to outsmart, outwit, and outdo every law and form of conformity out there and well you just can't win. The man is always right and take my advice when you have a hefty sentence over your head because you wanted to be a bad ass the only person who decides your fate is the one you have been always fighting.
2. There are no rebels over thirty who you can take seriously.
3. The only time a rebel can be taken seriously is when he tries to do something crazy like blow something up or blow something up.
4. If you want to be a real rebel move to a different country and join some guerrillas other then that sit down and shut up like the rest of us you pompous rich white kid.

Did someone just Shit?

Well as you all know I frequently take the bus to get around. I will soon have my license back (money issues) but I will still have to take the bus to work in the mornings until I can afford insurance (ten years down the road)what a long fucking road that is). So I have this old man that takes the bus now and then and I am assuming he has some issues. Now and then he will reenact some Shakespeare and mumble something while putting his hands in the air as to make a dramatic point. Well today I am pretty sure this English play actor has shat himself.
The bus did not smell bad when I boarded it this morning (I'm pretty sure I can identify a shit smell right away).
And as soon as this guy got on the bus it was engulfed in a peculiar smell that resembled diapers and feces. And what was more priceless was his shit eating grin (really no pun intended) and other unique facial positioning he made that described perfectly what he did - "Yeah I shit my pants, and I don't care"