Life

So why do you live? Have you ever been asked that or thought about it? Why do I live? Not what do you live for or how you stay alive but why are you here right now on this planet?
Pretty deep question, I know. But it seems with society and culture and every other form that exists to organize us to give us a purpose to move on and not think about that question has left us pretty dull and a lack of substance. My culture is all about life as being achieved through accomplishment in money, material, and love. My religion has my life as a test of my character and if I do as it follows I reach utopia while the latter is hell.
But what if there is nothing to achieve. What if there is no purpose other then I am a simple factor in survival of my species. What if when I die there is no judgement for me or other plain of existence.
You know unless you did something remarkable that enables you to be written down in history, by the time your children's children have children you will be forgotten. You may be a name that will be mentioned once or twice but once those kids grow up you will be just a faded memory. Sort of blows right?
So with that thought how do I get up in the morning? To find these answers out. I know there is something but what it is I can not grasp. For one life is so beautiful. Even with the ugly it is still worth every penny to experience. Take your sense of smell. You can break it into a science if you like and say it is an attribute to our survival by knowing what is bad for us and what is good. Take rotten food, smells awful so I don't want to eat it and chance potential sickness or death. But take a rose. A rose smells so good but it does nothing for our survival at all, no health benefits and not edible. But yet it is an enjoyment to smell.
I could go on forever about subjects like this but for the past little while I have been so interested in my own existence. I enjoy seeing things differently then most people but sometimes it can be a curse. A true genius is one step away from insanity and sometimes I can understand why, trying to find out an answer that is on the tip of your tongue and right in front of you can drive any human being crazy.

WTF?

Here is a famous Worcester statue created by Daniel Chester who also created the famous Lincoln Memorial Statue. Now when you look at this what is the first thing you think of? For me it is this dutch boy is giving it to this poor turtle who looks like he is wailing himself to get free. Don't know what Chester was thinking unless it is that Worcesterites are a bunch of slow fucking people.

Getting My Head Back

Well it has been a long time of being sober in my own consideration. I have spent a life time on booze and drugs and finally a little while ago had kicked both. It was a long and hard battle that took a lot of will and a lot of battling your own mind. Through the physical withdrawals of Oxys and your mind trying to talk you into just taking one to make you feel better is something that I never ever want to experience again. But slowly and surely things got a lot better day by day. I finally got through the withdrawals then it was all in my head to either take one or not. Once I got past that life became so much better for me.
I lived the past year in depression thinking my life sucked. It was mostly just clouded with the narcotics. You never really realize how much something has a grip on you until you get away from it. But I still have my issues but it is so easier to handle when you are not boozing and drugging. I used to be an activist in legalizing drugs but now after I went through all that shit I am dead against them. The risk of going through what I did with other people is way to high to the people who can actually handle them. Addiction is a scary thing and I don't care how strong you are once you reach a certain point there really is no ever going back.

Attracted to Disaster

Well either I am cursed or I am attracted to things that end in disaster and leave me miserable. I can laugh about it now that I think of it but really and truly everything I want I can't get and everything I don't want I get plenty of. And the stuff I want I want to the extreme so when it doesn't happen I crash and burn. I can't seem to pick up on the attribute or my self weakness that always lands me in this mess.
I want to think it is like Pipe Dreams but I don't get high anymore. Or is it my inability to see the consequences and outcomes, well fuck if I had that I'd be one rich bastard. So what is the force behind my drive to put myself into these predicaments. I'm going to blame it on my parents. Fuck You Dad!